You Can Tell the Age of a Zombie By…

Have you ever wondered how to tell the age of the average zombie you pass in the street? There is one big clue – check out the technology the zombie is carrying. If it is shuffling along, head down, trying to make it’s fingers work on a tiny, once-familiar keyboard, it’s probably a pretty fresh animated corpse.

On the other hand, if you’ve got a pasty-faced, oozing, grey-haired grandma in Victorian clothes trying to smash open said cell phone with her parasol, she’s probably considerably older.

What’s the difference? Safety, my friend, safety. Modern zombies may retain a last vestige of humanity. Even needing brains the way they do, they can probably be distracted by technology. After all, it happened while they were alive, right? Otherwise, some kind but misguided relative probably wouldn’t have put their cell phone in their coffin in the first place. This distraction gives the potential victim vital seconds to get away. Quickly. Without looking back.

Little Victorian grandma is much more dangerous. She hasn’t had the (dis)advantages of technology; her ability to focus and concentrate may be greater. The only thing you can do right now is run like hell.

This has been a public service announcement.

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